I've been wanting to do this business for about 15 years. I had seriously considered it several times. However, I never had my parents' support. They are of a different generation where they want the steady stream of income and the benefits. Where most people with desk jobs just kept a stiff upper until retirement. Now I wouldn't want anybody's take-away to be that I always do what my parents tell me to do. I don't. I give it a 50/50 whether I listen to them or not. However, in this case, they made some valid points. Did I have enough money set aside to be able to live while the business builds up? What about health care? What if I got hurt and I couldn't work?
I probably didn't have enough money at the time set aside. I'm a lot of things but cheap is not one of them. My pets were always spoiled rotten. I bought my Molly a car because she was too uncomfortable in the car I was driving. So I got her a car with a back seat so she could recline better. I loved being able to take paid time off and go on vacation somewhere. If I got injured or sick (which is almost never), I didn't have to worry about it. If there was something I really wanted, I probably could afford it. The benefits of the desk job were nice. I was making well into the six-figures. I had two homes and two cars and any unexpected expense was a mere annoyance. I had it pretty good.
The truth is, I don't think I ever really was cut out for the desk job. It's not for everybody. Make no mistake. I absolutely loved the work. I would happily work long hours in order to get the job done and well. It's all the other things that go along with working in an office. No amount of coursework or exams prepare you for it. For the most part, it was good. Not often great, but good. I got along with most people and people seemed to enjoy my energy and overall good attitude. There were times when I absolutely loved my team. Then there were times when I would sit at my desk, stuck in a toxic environment, absolutely paralyzed, not knowing how I was going to get through the day.
I am an anxiety sufferer. Let's be clear, it wasn't the desk job that gave me anxiety. But there are absolutely common occurrences that happen daily in the corporate world that can trigger someone with anxiety/depression.
My anxiety was already there. I may have inherited it. It may have come from some trauma I had experienced as a child. The first time I remember feeling the heavy weight of anxiety and depression was when I was 17, living in Vienna, Austria. I didn't really understand what was going on with me. I was over there, supposedly having this wonderful experience that most would love to have. But I'd feel despondent, anxious, and depressed. I wasn't getting along with the relatives I was staying with. They wrote it off as a personality flaw. They thought I was spoiled and I had it too easy. Any emotion I showed, I was told that I'm too sensitive, basically telling me that my feelings were invalid. So I would suppress them. Not to mention, I had a father that I idolized and I wanted to be exactly like him. Nothing fazes him. So when confronted with adversity, I'd ask myself what would dad do. And I would suppress any feelings I had.
Nobody talked about mental health back then. If it was talked about, it was in the context of straitjackets and institutions. It's only fairly recently that the younger generations have brought mental health to the forefront that it's not something to be stigmatized. That people should be able to talk about it if they are feeling a certain way and they want to change it.
I've been told that I'm "too sensitive" all my life. I could go on and on about the overused "you're too sensitive." It's gaslighting. Not negotiable. If someone is having feelings about something, there are valid reasons of why they are feeling that way. "Be curious, not judgmental." (One of my favorite Ted Lasso take-aways).
And then one day, it happened again. I was at my desk paralyzed. I finally said that I have to make this stop. So I raised my hand and reached out for help. I honestly didn't even know what help I was reaching out for. I called Health Services at my work and told them that I wasn't doing well. That it wasn't easy living inside my head anymore. I wasn't being kind to myself. My inner dialogue was not allowing me to be productive. The nurse that answered me was absolutely amazing. She told me that everything is going to be OK and that no one should be making me feel the way I feel. She got me an excused leave of absence for a couple of weeks, sent me FMLA papers, and talked to me about Short Term Disability. I set myself up with a therapist and I was diagnosed with Acute Anxiety Disorder. And on Short Term Disability I went. It was a lot of work sifting through all the activity in my head but it was through the therapy and many discussions with my therapist that it would be best to quit my job and start my own business.
I'm not writing this up for sympathy. I'm actually a nervous wreck writing this up in fear that I'll be judged. I am still the same person, only I have more of a quietness and ease about me. I can let things go a bit better. For the most part, people find my story relatable. A couple people have surprised me. I'm writing this in case there are other people that are going through the same thing and don't know there are resources for help. If you are in the corporate world, chances are you pay into these same resources every paycheck. You should USE them, if you need to. It's empowering to put yourself first and really take good care of yourself.
Then there was still getting the parental buy-in. Them: I could tell you what I would do. Me: I don't care. I have to stop listening to you. I have the same concerns as you do but I'm doing it anyway. I don't know if my parents are eating their words. I'd like to think they are.
And so I started working on starting my new dream business. It can still be stressful. This first year has been lean. It's a different kind of stress. I feel like it's a healthy stress that makes me want to do better. And I'm exhausted at the end of the day. But it's a good exhausted. It's not the mental exhaustion that I felt when I was counting the days until retirement.
I named my business after my dog, Molly. She passed soon after I started the business. She was telling me in her own way that it was time. Anybody that knows me knows that I don't get terribly philosophical or really that deep, for that matter. But I like to think that she saw I was coming out the other side and she figured her job had been done. It was time for her to move on and for me, too.
So far I have no regrets. I'm having the best time. I'm making friends with a lot of my clients. And I love it when the four-leggeds are so happy to see me. They get so excited and start spinning around. Only one time in my recent memory, was someone so happy to see me show up for work. I had jury duty and we were released for the day. I thought about just going home but decided to go into work, just in case. It turned out that there was a "fire drill" at work and I was able to jump in and help.. My manager said that he wanted to give me a hug and a kiss but that would be inappropriate. Instead I got on the phone to all the key stakeholders and calmed them down. I have been told I tell a good story.
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